as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize