any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
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I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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