first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
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you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
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dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We are all done wearing pants today
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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