I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize