just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
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Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
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You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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