Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
Randomize