Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
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I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
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Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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