Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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