the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
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I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
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We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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