I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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