Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
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what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
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And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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