yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
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I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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