Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
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