i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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