Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize