Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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