I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
