my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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