My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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