i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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