There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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