Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
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I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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