They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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