i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
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we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
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Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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