I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
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You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
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Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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