Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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