i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
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It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
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It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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