she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
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His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
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You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize