How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
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FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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