I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
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I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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