I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
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I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
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You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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