It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
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Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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