Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
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Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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