Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
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My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
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I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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