I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
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Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
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Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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