I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
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Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
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You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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