Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize