My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
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Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
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Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I deserve this hangover.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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