I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
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we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
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She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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