On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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