I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
im six kinds of drunk right now
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When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
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He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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