i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
