and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
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I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
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We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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