I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
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I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
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Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
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