I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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