wanna go halves on a baby?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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