Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize