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Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
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