I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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