Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
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Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
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I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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